第一篇：英语幽默
The insane asylum
Late one night at the insane asylum, one inmate shouted, “I am Napoleon.” Another one said, “ How do you know?”.The first inmate said, “God told me!”
Just then, a voice from another room shouted, “I did not!”
Improvement
One student said to another, “How are your English lessons coming along?”
“Fine, I used to be one who couldn’t understand the English men, and now it’s the English men who can’t understand me.”
All Except the Music
A keen young teacher wanted to introduce her class to the glories of classical music, so she arranged an outing to an afternoon concert.To make the occasion even more memorable, she treated everyone to lomonade, cake, chocs and ices.Just as the party was getting back into their coach, she said to little Sally, “Have you enjoyed yourself today?”
“Oh, yes, miss” said Sally, “It was lovely.All except the music, that is.”
half or five tenths
Teacher: Would you rather have one half of an orange or five tenths?
Gerad: I would much rather have the half.Teacher: Think carefully and tell me why.Gerad: Because you lose too much juice when you cut the orange into five tenths.The Reason for being late
Teacher: Why are you late for school every morning?
Jonny: Because every time I get to the corner, a guidepost says, “ School-----Go slowly”.When do People Talk Least?
St A: When do people talk least?
St B: In February.St A: Why?
St B: Because February is the shortest month in a year.Plural Form of Child
T: What’s the plural form of “man”?
S: It’s “men”,.T:GoodAnd the plural of “child”?
S: Twins.My Sister’s Fingers
T: Why are you late this time?
S: Please sir, I bruised two fingers knocking a nail at home.T: I don’t see any bandages.S: Oh, they weren’t my fingers!I told my little sister to hold the nail.What is the climate of New Zealand
T: What’s the climateof New Zealand?
S:Very cold, sir.T:Wrong.S: But, sir!When they send us meat it always arrives frozen!
Lightening
T: Why the lightening never strike the same place twice?
S: Because the stroke place isn’t there any more.How many rabbits?
T: Now, Jonathan, if I gave you three rabbits and then the next day I gave five rabbits, how many rabbits would you have?
S: Nine, sir!
T: Nine?
S: I’ve got one already.To Go to Heaven
Sunday School teacher: Hands up all those who want to go to Heaven? Hands up……What about you,Terry? You havent’s got your hand up----don’t you want to go to Heaven?
Terry: I can’t.My Mum told me to go straight home.I Wasn’t Asleep
When a group of women got on the bus, all the seats wear occupied.The conductor noticed a man who seemed to be asleep, and fearing he might miss his stop, he nudged him and said, “ Wake up, sir!”
“I was not asleep,” said the man.“Not asleep? But you had your eyes closed.”
“I know.I just hate to look at ladies standing up beside me in a crowded car”
Our tails
A lecturer on evolution had been going on for nearly two hours and then he started again, and he said , “Let me ask the evolutionist a question----If we had tails like a baboon, where are they?”
“I’ll venture an answer, ” said an old lady.“We have worn them off sitting here so long.”
The umbrella
A gentleman staying in a hotel left his umbrella in the hall.He put on the handle a card on which was ritten: “This umbrella belongs to a gentleman who can lift up 100 pounds and I shall be back in ten minutes.”
When he came back , he found, instead of his umbrella, another card on which was ritten: “This card belongs to a man who can run ten miles an hour , I shall not come back.”
The Great Event
T: What great event happened in 1809?
S: Abraham Lincoln was born?
T: Right!And what great event happened in 1812?
S: Lincoln had his third birthday.Always Share!
An old couple went into a restaurant and ordered something to eat: one Coca Cola and one portion of French fries.The old man sat down and the woman, his wife, sat opposite him, and he began to pide the Coda Cola into two glasses, half for him and half for his wife.He devided all the Frech fries half-and-half..He gave half to his wife and kept half for himself.Then he began to eat and drink,and the woman just drank but didn’t eat.There was a young man who was standing next to the table and wondering why the old man had pided everything in half, and he thought that maybe they didn’t have any money.He said to the old couple, “I can buy you one more portion;you don’thave to share like that.”
The old man explained, “No,no, no, we have been married for forty years and we always share everything.Whatever we have, we share half and half.Don’t worry, but thank you, anyhow.”
But then after a while, he saw that the woman wasn’t eating, and only the man ate, and he asked, “why aren’t you eating,?” And the wife said, “Today it’s his turn to use the teeth.”
第二篇：幽默英语
英语幽默对话buy you a drink?（我可以为你买一杯饮料吗？）女:Actually I'd rather have the money.（不必，我我宁愿留下那些钱.)
经典对话二：
男：Can I have your name?（直译：我能有你的名字吗？）
女：Why? Don't you already have one?（为什么？你不是已经有一个了吗？）经典对话三：
男：I'm a photographer.I've been looking for a face like yours.（我是摄影师。我一直在寻找一张像你这样的脸。）
女：I'm a plastic surgeon.I've been looking for a face like yours.（我是整形外科医生。我也一直在寻找一张像你这样的脸。）
经典对话四：
男：Is this seat empty?（直译：这个座位是空的吧？）
女：Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.（是的，如果你坐下，我的座位就是空的。）经典对话五：
男：Haven't I seen you some place before?（我好像以前在什么地方见过你？）
女：Yes.That's why I don't go there anymore.（是的。这就是为什么我不再去那个地方的原因。）
经典对话六：
男：Will you go out with me this Saturday?（这个星期六你想跟我出去吗？）女：Sorry.I'm having a headache this weekend.（抱歉。这个周末我头疼。）经典对话七：
男：I think I could make you very happy.（我想我能让你非常快乐。）
女：Why? Are you leaving?（是吗？你是说你要离开？）
第三篇：英语幽默
The six-year-old John was terribly spoiled(被宠坏的).His father knew it, but his grandma doted on him.He hardly left her side.And when he wanted anything, he either cried or threw a temper tantrum(乱发脾气).Then came his first day of school, his first day away from his grandmother's loving arms.When he came home from school his grandma met him at the door.Was school all right? she asked, Did you get along all right? did you cry?
Cry? John asked.No, I didn't cry, but the teacher did!
六岁的约翰娇生惯养。他的父亲知道这一点，可他的祖父母仍然宠着他。这孩子几乎寸步不离他的祖母。他想要什么不是哭，就是闹。他第一天上学才离开祖母的怀抱。约翰放学了，他奶奶在门口接他并问道：学校怎么样?你过的好吗?哭了没有?哭?约翰问，不，我没哭，可老师哭了。
Englishman
Once, late at night, an Englishman came out of his room into the corridor of a hotel and asked the servant to bring him a glass of water.The servant did as he was asked.The Englishman re-entered his room, but a few minutes later he came into the corridor again and once more asked the servant for a glass of water.The servant brought him another glass of water.Every few minutes the Englishmen would come out of his room and repeat his request.After a half-hour the astonished servant decided to ask the Englishman what he was doing with the water.“Nothing,” the Englishman answered imperturbably, “It’s simply that my room is on fire.”一个英国人
一天晚上，一个英国人从他住的旅店房间里走出来。来到走廊上，叫旅店的服务员给他拿一杯水来。服务员按他的要求做了。英国人回到了他的房间里，几分钟后 他又来到走廊上，让服务员再给他送一杯水。服务员又给他送了一杯水。每隔几分钟。英国人就走出房间重复他的要求。半小时之后．这位感到惊讶的服务员决定问问房客要这些水干什么，英国人不谎不忙地回答：”没什么．只不过是我的房间里起火了。“
A film crew was on location deep in the desert.One day an old Indian went up to the director and said, “Tomorrow rain.” The next day it rained.A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, “Tomorrow storm.” The next day there was a hailstorm.“This Indian is incredible,” said the director.He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather.However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for two weeks.Finally the director sent for him.“I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow,” said the director, “and I'm depending on you.What will the weather be like?”The Indian shrugged his shoulders.“Don't know,” he said.“Radio is broken.”
天气预报
一个电影摄制组在沙漠深处工作.一天,一个印度老人到导演跟前告诉导演说“明天下雨.”第二天果然下雨了.一周后,印度人又来告诉导演说,“明天有风暴.”果然,第二天下了雹暴.“印度人真神,”导演说.他告诉秘书雇佣该印度人来预报天气.几次预报都很成功.然后,接下来的两周,印度人不见了.最后,导演派人去把他叫来了.“我明天必须拍一个很大的场景,”导演说,“这得靠你了.明天天气如何啊?”
印度人耸了耸肩.“我不知道,”印度人说,“收音机坏了.”
第四篇： 幽默英语自我介绍
搞笑幽默的介绍不仅能够使大家容易接受，而且气氛活跃自己也不会紧张，本文为大家整理了幽默英语自我介绍，仅供参考！
篇1： 幽默英语自我介绍
I am a man, not a woman.XX years old, the height of XX metersno examination, general undergraduateeating chicken in the table in a multinational company, although is cleaning the table, but treatment is very favorable, if you don't arrive late or leave early.You could get the full 800 yuan yeah),I have a housean environmentally friendly nonnothing in it.I want to find a rich and beautiful city, tall and slim, gentle and lovely, reasonable, full of wit, ability of extraordinary woman now, similar to Bill Gates's daughter, Buffett's granddaughter and so on can be considered.篇2： 幽默英语自我介绍
My name is * * *, thirteen years old this year, just first second.I am tall medium, 1, 66, and then ranked the tenth class, long face short nose, big feet have big hands, little eyes are not small, especially God's eyes, a big mouth to say, just say, "said one hour is also no problem, not tall not short the body, not fat not thin.In general, it is still more handsome.I go to school in Beijing City, our school uniform is not good, all is blue, so it is very good to recognize, one is the middle school students.My advantage is love, every morning I go out to exercise, run, play the horizontal bar, and so on.So, my school sports are very good, my study is also not to be questioned, the math exam has never been 90 points, my English is also good.So, my face is always the joyful expression of the overflowing.My shortcoming is that I can't play basketball, I don't know what's the matter, I don't like it, and I don't like i
I always get out of class and don't pay attention to it.So, after the teacher called me, I was full of confidence to stand up, eighty percent are right, the harm of the teacher is angry and laugh.This is me, as soon as I see me, I always laugh, I will greet you enthusiastically, come on!
篇3： 幽默英语自我介绍
Hi, guys.As you know, we're fellow students.You are all familiar with me.So, what should I start with? Haw, it's somewhat embarrassing to tell you what you know well.But it doesn't matter at all.I'm here just for practicing my English.It's very important of your support.Let's go to business now.Hum-hum, first of all, you all know well my name.I'm from XX.Besides, I cannot tell you how old I am because it's a secret of a lady's age.The next, I like singing, swimming,crying, haw-haw...It is too much than what I could tell in one time.I like icecream, apple, orange, banana, and so on.Then let me introduce my family.My father...,and my mother...What a pity that I have no brothers or sisters.But fortunately, I have you as my classmates and friends.You really help me a lot.As well, I also enjoy helping each of you.Do you know my personalities? In fact, I'm not so clear.8、Hello everyone!I'm so glad that all of you can come here today.First,my neme is xxx(your name here).You must want to know my
[ 幽默英语自我介绍]相关文章：
第五篇：简短英语幽默自我介绍
自我介绍是向别人展示你自我介绍好不好，甚至直接关系到你给别人的第一印象的好坏及以后交往的顺利与否。同时，也是认识自我的手段。以下是小编整理的简短英语幽默自我介绍，欢迎阅读！
简短英语幽默自我介绍1
Hello，everyone.My name is Zhangya。I‘m twelve years old as one student of the Grade Six Class Tree at the No.56 middle school in the city of PingDingShan.I am a lively girl.I like drawing,riding bike and surfing the internet.I have many friends,the best is Du Xingyue.There are father,mother,elder sister and me in my family.My mom is a housewife.My father is a worker.My elder sister is a university student.My family is very happy.They all love me and i also love them.简短英语幽默自我介绍2
Good evening,I know it's 3:00pm now,But I always what to say good evening.People always call me XXX.I think if I have a choice.I would tell my parents I want to be called XX.Ok,it's a joke.To be in this class is a wonderful thing.Because god has told me that we will be the NO.1 during the next 3 years.Fine, I shouldn't tell you this because god also has told me not to tell others.I like making friends with others a lot.So I think we will have a very good time together.But, don't expect me to tell you how to talk to god.Thank you.简短英语幽默自我介绍3
Hi,everybody.Good to be here.Facing the audience, a thought occured to me.Mama has alway told me not to make a fool in public.But somehow I just couldn't follow what she said exactly.Well some people always treat me as a crazy loon.For I'm never part of any crowd and have some dreams far-off look.I'd even crash into someone with my nose stuck in a book.Now I'm standing on the stage, giving a speech in English.Circumstance being that I'm pretty nervous.Maybe some guy would just think that it'd embarass me as frightened speechless.Never mind.I'm always good for a laugh.简短英语幽默自我介绍4
Self-introductionHello everyone!My is......, from Qinzhou.I’m so glad to meet you, and I’m currently a student at Guangxi Textile Industrial School.my major is knitting.It’s my pleasure to join the CHAMPION training camp, because I love English and I hope I can learn something in the training for my future work.As we all know English is very useful in every field.My English is limited that’s why I’m here.I know it’s a huge challenge for me to conquer English, but I believe that “No pains, no gains, success belongs to the persevering”, I hope I can learn more from you, Thank you!
鲁公网安备37028302000876号