第一篇：搞笑版_英语话剧_孔雀东南飞
《孔雀东南飞》
表演者：焦仲卿 饰（040905049）
刘兰芝 饰（040905035）
焦母 饰（040905043）
刘母 饰（040905042）
旁白兼太守之子 饰（040905046）
强盗A 饰（040905047）
强盗B 饰（040905048）
焦仲卿Johnny(J for short)刘兰芝Lunch(L for short)焦母Johnny’s mother(JM for short)刘母Lunch’s mother(LM for short)太守之子Mayor’s son(MS for short)强盗Burglars(A&B)
J: Everybody says that I’m henpecked, but in fact, I’m as strong as a tiger, while my wife is Wu Song.I’m not afraid of you!My wife Lunch is the most famous woman in the neighbor-hood.She is braver than me, smarter than me and stronger than me.All this I do not care.I only want her to be tender than me.But she is not!Having a wife like this is just like living in the hell!My God!Who can help me? Act1 旁白：when our lovely Johnny are suffering from the domestic violence ,Johnny's mother have been seen all of the things.(就在我们可爱的仲卿遭受家庭暴力时，JM已将这一切尽收耳底。)
JM:I can!Lunch!Lunch!Where are you? L: I’m here!What’s up mum?
JM: I’ve told you again and again that you should call me "my most beautiful graceful and dearest mother-in-law”.L: OK.My most beautiful graceful and dearest mother-in-law, what’s up? JM: Since you married my son you have behaved so badly.You have been so rude, so brusque, so lazy„„ L: But„„
JM: Never interrupt me!L: Never interrupt me!Since I married your son, that terrible Johnny, I have been working hard all day long, cooking and washing.I have raised ten soft thousands of pigs and ducks and chicken and„„
JM: But all those you have done are not as valuable as a grandson!Grandson!Where’s my grandson? L: Oh, you want a grandson, don’t you? Go and ask your son.I’m leaving!Act2 旁白：Lunch was driven away the house by the mother-in-law and came back her home(被婆婆赶出家门的兰芝一步一回头，三步两回头，无奈的回到了自己的家中。)L: Mum, I’m back!
LM: You are back? Why? What happened? L: I was kicked out by my most beautiful graceful and dearest mother–in-law.LM: See!I have already told you!When you insisted on marrying that terrible Johnny, I told you that he is ugly stupid and poor ,but you did not listen to me.Look at yourself„„ L: But, mum„„
LM: Never interrupt me!L: Mum, I’m not interrupting you.I just want to tell you that you are always right OK? And I’ll marry whom ever you want me to.LM: Nice girl!Just now, I met the mayor’s son in the market.He said:” If your daughter.Haven’t been married, I really want to marry her!“Now you are free again, I’ll go and tell him.(下)L: What? The mayor’s son? The most famous play boy in the neighbor-hood? What a silly thing I have done!(下)Act3 旁白：Johnny's home was soon in trouble without Lunch , Johnny's mother have to let Johnny find Lunch and come home.It said that there are some Burglars on the way to Lunch 's home.(没有了兰芝的焦家很快陷入了窘境，JM只好让仲卿将兰芝找回。听说去兰芝家的路上常有强盗出没。)A: Hey you!Stop and listen to us!The road is built by me!B: And I planted one tree!A: If you want to go by this street---A&B: Give us all your money!J: Don’t kill me!Don’t kill me!I’ll give all my money to you!Is 1 mao enough? A: What bad luck!B: If we can not rob any money today, we will have nothing to eat tonight!A: I heard that the mayor’s son is going to marry Miss Liu Lan zhi next month.We can go and rob the wedding!A&B: Good idea!J: What? What? Lunch is going to get married? It’s impossible!A&B: Why? A pretty girl and a rich man, what a good couple!J: But Lunch is my wife!We haven’t got porced yet!I’ve got an idea!You are going to rob the wedding, don’t you? I’ll go with you.You take the money and I take the bride.B: Have you got any experience? J: No.But I’ve got this!
Act4 旁白：Time flies,it's wedding date.Mayor’s son is happily holding the bride's hand ,and Lunch is unwillingness under the red cloth.(转眼已到了婚礼之期．太守之子意气风发的牵着新娘，兰芝盖着红盖头极不情愿跟在后边。)AB&J: Hey you!Stop and listen to us!A: The road is built by me!B: And I planted one tree.A: If you want to go by this street---AB＆J: Give us all your money!L: Johnny!I miss you so much!MS: Who are you and where are you from? Who rob my bride will be killed!J: How dare you beat my wife!I will kill you!J: Honey, how are you? L: I hurt a lot!J: Don’t cry baby.Eat this at once!I’ll go and fetch the medicine.(下)L: Wait for me!
学院：理学院
班级：04信计（2）班
专业：信息与计算科学
第二篇：《孔雀东南飞》（英文搞笑话剧
Wanderseveryfivemiles
焦仲卿Johy(Jforshort)刘兰芝Lunch(Lforshort)
焦母Johy’smother(JMforshort)刘母Lunch’smother(LMforshort)太守之子Mayor’on(MSforshort)强盗Burglars(ABandC)
Prologue
(J作
被打状跑上台,内砸出一卷纸筒,J被打中,狼狈不堪)
J:EverybodysaysthatI’mheecked,butinfact,I’matrongasatiger,(小声)whilemy
wifeisWuSong.(指着上台处的门大声道)I’mnotafraidofyou!
(内砸出一脸盆,Ｊ接住当成盾牌护着头)Then,I’mafraidofwhom?
MywifeLunchisthemostfamouswomanintheneighbor-hood.Sheiraverthanme,smarterthanmeandstrongerthanme.AllthisIdonotcare.Ionlywanthertobetender
thanme.Butsheiot!Havingawifelikethisisjustlikelivinginthehell!
(内又砸出一卷纸筒,击中J)
MyGod!Whocanhelpme?(下)
Act1
(序幕结束时,JM作窃听状)
JM(拄拐棍上):Ican!
(对门内)Lunch!Lunch!Whereareyou?
L(扎着围裙,拿着锅铲,从门内跳出来):I’mhere!What’supmum?
JM:I’vetoldyouagainandagainthatyoushouldcallme“mymostbeautifulgracefuland
dearestmother-in-law”.L:OK.Mymostbeautifulgracefulanddearestmother-in-law,what’sup?
JM:Sinceyoumarriedmysonyouhavebehavedsobadly.Youhavebeeorude,sobrusque,so
lazy……
L:But……
JM:Neverinterruptme!
L:Neverinterruptme!SinceImarriedyourson,thatterribleJohy,Ihavebeenworkinghardall
daylong,cookingandwashing.Ihaveraisedteofthousandsofpigsandducksandchicken
and……
JM:Butallthoseyouhavedonearenotasvaluableasagrandson!
L(生气地挥动着锅铲):Oh,youwantagrandson,don’tyou?(开始解围裙)Goandaskyour
son.I’mleaving!(扯下围裙,扔在JM的脸上,下)
Act2
(LM坐在台上打毛线,L拿着锅铲上)
L:Mum,I’mback!
LM:Youareback?Why?Whathaened?
L:Iwaskickedoutbymymostbeautifulgracefulanddearestmother–in-law.LM(惊讶,但随即露出幸灾乐祸的神情):See!Ihavealreadytoldyou!Whenyouiistedon
marryingthatterribleJohy,Itoldyouthatheisuglystupidandpoor,butyoudidnotlisten
tome.Lookatyourself……
L:But,mum……
LM:Neverinterruptme!
L:Mum,I’mnotinterruptingyou.IjustwanttotellyouthatyouarealwaysrightOK?And
I’llmarrywhomeveryouwantmeto.LM(大喜):Nicegirl!Justnow,Imetthemayor’oninthemarket.Hesaid:“Ifyoudaughter
Haven’tbeenmarried,Ireallyreallywanttomarryher!”Nowyouarefreeagain,I’llgo
andtellhim.(下
第三篇：话剧小品：新版孔雀东南飞
话剧《新编孔雀东南飞》剧
————— 第一场<二情同依依>—————— 旁白：汉末建安中，庐江府小吏焦仲卿妻刘氏，为仲卿母斫遣，自誓不嫁。其家逼之，乃没水而死。仲卿闻之，亦自缢于庭树。
兰芝(作轻盈状出场)：“同志们好!我就是传说中美貌与智慧并重，温柔与体贴的化身刘兰芝„„。我十三能织布，十四学裁衣，十五弹箜篌，十六诵诗书„十七岁那年——”
(焦仲卿出场)（音乐：千年等一回„„）
焦：“娘子～”
兰芝：“相公„几日不见，你又消瘦了！”（二人对视）
焦：“娘子更甚憔悴，母亲又让你织布了吧？娘子辛苦了。”
（兰低头，沉默）
兰芝（抬头）：“„只怕母亲是不会留我了。”
焦：“娘子莫担心，我不会让你离开我的，待我再去向母亲求情”（焦离去）
————— 第二场<遣去甚莫留> —————－
(焦母正襟危坐于前，焦上前去一鞠躬)焦：“母亲啊，您看，兰之她温柔体贴，对您恭敬孝顺，您为什么总是对他不满意呢？！”
焦母：“乖儿子听话，那种女子不要也罢，娘再给你找个好媳妇，喏，东家有位芙蓉姐姐，娘看她是人见人爱，花见花开，车见车暴胎！那和你真是龙配龙，凤配凤，老鼠配臭虫～～”
焦：“啊？！”
焦母：“青蛙配恐龙～～”
焦：“啊？！”
焦母：“噢～？不对，是美女配英雄～～”
焦：“不，孩儿已同兰之立下山盟海誓，相伴终生！我，是风儿她是沙，我是叶儿她是花，我是螃蟹她是虾，我是白菜她是地瓜～～”
焦母：“够了！你那媳妇瓜兮兮的，连块布都织不好！赶快打发走！”
———— 第三场<离别在旦夕>—————
焦(焦从母亲那里郁闷的过来)：“(深情地)娘子„”
兰芝：“相公，无须多言——(音乐：你是风儿我是沙)”
焦：“兰芝，你先放心回家，等我把母亲搞定了就来接你。”（音乐：舍不得你的人是我，离不开你的人是我，相信你的人祝福你的人是我是我还是我）
兰芝：“相公，I will be waiting for you。”
(焦送兰芝走，两人携手走一段，作别)兰芝：“君当作磐石，妾当作蒲苇，蒲苇纫如丝，磐石无转移„”。
(两人悲伤的分别离去)
————第四场<阿母大悲摧，兰芝整容去>—————、刘母：“兰芝，怎么回来了？”
兰芝：“母亲，我„„”
刘母（生气地）：“一定是被赶回来了！那婆娘果然卑鄙无耻，狼心狗肺，my god～～，我这是做了什么孽啊„。(号啕大哭)不过，兰芝，母亲我找到了你韩国的干娘，明天就送你整容去，兰芝，母亲舍不得你啊„„”
兰芝：母亲„„母亲„„哭泣(兰芝与母亲相拥哭泣而后默默退下)
(路人甲拿着一块牌子走过舞台，牌子上写着，today s` later)
媒婆（上场）：“终于轮到我了！各位观众，我就是那前无古人，后无来者，驰名中外的跨世纪金牌媒人，铁齿铜牙小甜甜，创业数十年来，凭俺沉鱼落雁，闭月羞花之貌，能起死回生的三寸不烂之舌，促成了多少美满姻缘，连月老前天还说要拜俺为师呢，哈哈哈哈，哎哟，到了„”(走到门前，敲门，叮咚„)
刘母：“谁啊，来啦，来啦„”
刘母（开门）：“你找谁啊，阿婆？”
媒婆：“啊，你怎么这么说？人家可是黄花大闺女阿(做娇羞装)”
刘母：“oh，抱歉抱歉，那请问姑娘有何事啊？”
媒婆：“是这样的，武县县令大人的三公子武小郎对刘姑娘是一见钟情，越陷越深，现在是茶饭不思，水米不进啊，县令大人特请我来替三公子向刘姑娘提亲的。”
刘母：“（惊讶，害羞）哎呀呀，又走桃花运了！就目前形式看我的确风韵犹存啊，想当年俺也是美自比昭君，哪次出门不是万人空巷。只可惜，我已嫁作他人之妻。或者你可以找我丈夫商量一下，要是他也同意，我基本上也没什么意见。
媒婆：“（汗颜）刘大妈～～，我是来向兰之姑娘提亲的！”
（整容后的兰芝，小碎步 兰花指上台）
兰芝：“多谢你的好意啦，我曾与仲卿许下诺言，除非海水变黄金，满天掉馅饼，不然永不相弃的，你还是走罢。”
媒婆：“请刘姑娘三思啊，三公子他怎么也是少年得志，意气风发，羽扇纶巾，指点江山，激扬文字，风流倜傥，万人景仰阿，知道周杰伦不？他那造型还是和我们三公子学的呢„„”
刘母（拿起扫帚，驱赶媒人）：“我靠，竟敢侮辱我偶像周杰伦～你这老太婆，还敢说，还敢说！”。
媒婆（夺门而出）：“没品味，不懂欣赏，oh，洁伦，不管别人怎样，我对你可是最拳拳痴心啊～～”
兰芝：“母亲，我扶您进去。”
刘母：“让开，老娘自己有退，气死我了，侮辱我偶像„„”
———— 第五场<不得便相许>—————－－－－
媒婆(从袖子里掏出手机，拨号，甜甜地说)：“hello哇，三公子啊～？
三公子（接听手机，眉头一皱）：“喂！搞定没有哇～～？”
媒婆：“„小女子对不住您啊，俺把公子您的风流潇洒都说尽了，连我最爱的洁伦都提了，可那小娘子竟然是王八吃秤砣铁了心啊，她要和那个那个什么焦的永不相弃啊～～”
三公子：“我晕!就这样你也敢号称铁齿铜牙？饭桶，一群饭桶！还是待本公子亲自出马！”（武小郎出场 音乐：上海滩）
三公子（出门，摇着一把儒生扇，模特步)：“凉风有信，秋月无边。思娇之情是度日如年啊！我虽不是，高大威猛，风流倜傥，但我有广阔的胸襟，加强劲的臂膀„„”(走到兰芝家，看见兰芝正往外走)三公子：“哇塞！美女！(激动地上前拥抱，兰芝躲开。三公子抱住刘兄欲亲吻之。回过神后，二人作呕吐状)
刘兄：“啊呀呀，这不是三公子武小郎吗，兰芝，还不来拜见三公子!”
(兰芝不安的走上前，作揖)
三公子（前进）：“兰之美眉～～一日不见，如三秋兮，你让我等的好辛苦啊～～”
兰之（后退）：“公子请自重，奴家已有意中人了。我与仲卿早已立下海誓山盟，相伴终生。我是风儿他是沙，我是牙膏他是刷，我是乌龟他是青蛙～～”
三公子：“你是天鹅他是癞蛤蟆！那个焦什么卿的，啊，他有我帅么？有我有钱么？有我这么有品味么？有当县令的老爹罩么？”
刘兄（紧接着三公子谄媚地说）：“就是，就是，想我们三公子才高八斗（打喷嚏），学富五车，高大威猛(此时突然下蹲)，英俊潇洒，号称一棵青松压海棠„是我们家兰芝一时糊涂了，这门亲事咱们是做定啦！”(不顾兰芝的反抗)
兰芝：“哥哥，你怎么可以这样!我死也不嫁！”
刘兄：“闭嘴！你在我这儿白吃白住还敢顶嘴？！人家三公子家有钱又有势，以后你哥混个局长当当也方便，比那个焦什么的好多啦，你就嫁了吧!”
兰芝：“你„„”
三公子：“如此就好，娘子，小生就待择日迎娶你了，（唱：你要是嫁人不要嫁给别人，一定要嫁给我，带着你的嫁妆，领着你的妹妹，跟着那马车来„哈哈哈）你看看我今天带的聘礼，（扭头四处寻人）三七，三七，你个狗东西，死哪里去了？”（书童三七上场）
三七：“来了来了„„”（半蹲下，手双举）
武小郎开始拨弄三七的头发，说：“你看这玛瑙，你看这鹅蛋，你看这„„”
刘兄附和道，“好，好，好” 双眼掉入钱眼般 双双退场
————第六场<自挂东南枝>—————－
旁白：仲卿听说兰之要重嫁的消息，急忙赶来。
焦：“刘姑娘(心酸地)，应该称武夫人，恭喜恭喜啊，(苦涩地)呵呵。”
兰：“仲卿，我是不会为了那只烧饼而违背我们的诺言的，要违背怎么也得找个像刘欢的啊，你怎么不相信我么？”
焦：“磐石方且后，可以卒千年，蒲苇一时纫，便做旦夕间。你都要作武家少奶奶了，还说什么诺言啊？!不如这样，本着公平、公正、前卫的原则，不如我也去找个什么芙蓉姐姐的，这样大家公平嘛，娘子意下如何啊？”
兰（无奈地）：“匆匆美梦奈何天，爱到深处了无怨，千山阻隔万里远，来世再续今生缘～（唱：千山阻隔万里远，来世再续今生缘，啊～～，宁愿相守在人间，不愿飞作天上仙）
焦：“兰芝„”（兰甩袖离去）
旁白：几天后，仲卿听到了兰芝离世的消息后，悲伤欲绝。
（仲卿向母亲房间方向跪下）
焦(一直低头)：“魂兮梦兮有志难酬，天上人间不见不休„母亲，请恕孩儿不孝！!”双手举剑，插入腹中，做难受装，忽一扭身，奸商啊，这剑是假的„„后做上吊状。
旁白：几天后，仲卿自挂东南枝，追随兰之而去。(奏《你是风儿我是沙》)
（演员陆续上台）
这个故事告诉我们：
万恶的旧社会泯灭人性，民不聊生；万恶的地主老财，土匪恶霸欺压百姓，残害生灵，造成了刘兰芝和焦的悲剧。只有***，只有毛主席才能领导无产阶级革命，打倒恶势力，推翻三座大山，建立新中国！让我们向敬爱的毛主席和现场观众致以崇高的敬礼！（齐呼：毛主席万岁~~~~~共产党万岁~~~~~~~）(奏《没有共产党就没有新中国》)(责任编辑：赵 话剧剧本)
第四篇：六人英语搞笑剧本 孔雀东南飞
六人英语搞笑剧本 孔雀东南飞
Wander severy five miles 焦仲卿Johnny(Jforshort)刘兰芝Lunch(Lforshort)焦母Johnny’s mother(JMforshort)刘母Lunch’smother(LMforshort)太守之子Mayor’sson(MSforshort)强盗Burglars(ABandC)
(Johnny（焦仲卿）作被打状跑上台,内砸出一卷纸筒,J被打中,狼狈不堪)Johnny（焦仲卿）:Everybody says that I’m henpecked,but in fact,I’m as strong as a tiger,(小声)while my wifeis Wu Song.(指着上台处的门大声道)I’m not afraid of you!(内砸出一脸盆, Johnny（焦仲卿）接住当成盾牌护着头)Then,I’m afraid of whom? My wife Lunch is the most famous woman in the neighbor-hood.She is braver than me, smarter than me and stronger than me.All this I do not care.I only want her to be tender than me.But she is not!Having a wife like this is just like living in the hell!(内又砸出一卷纸筒,击中Johnny（焦仲卿）)My God!Who can help me?(下)Act1(序幕结束时,作窃听状)焦母（JM）(拄拐棍上):I can!(对门内)Lunch!Lunch!Where are you? 刘兰芝Lunch(扎着围裙,拿着锅铲,从门内跳出来):I’m here!What’s up mum? 焦母（JM）:I’ve told you again and again that you should call me“my most beautiful graceful and dearest mother-in-law”.刘兰芝 Lunch :OK.My most beautiful graceful and dearest mother-in-law,what’s up? 焦母（JM）:Since you married my son you have behaved so badly.You have been so rude,sobrusque,so lazy…… 刘兰芝 Lunch :But……
焦母（JM）:Never interrupt me!刘兰芝 Lunch:Never interrupt me!Since I married your son,that terrible Johnny,I have been working hard all day long,cooking and washing.I have raised ten soft housands of pigs and ducks and chicken and……
焦母（JM）:But all those you have done are not as valuable as a grandson!刘兰芝 Lunch(生气地挥动着锅铲):Oh,you want a grandson,don’t you?(开始解围裙)Goandask your son.I’m leaving!(扯下围裙,扔在焦母（JM）的脸上,下)
Act2(焦母（JM）坐在台上打毛线刘兰芝Luch拿着锅铲上)刘兰芝(Luch):Mum,I’m back!焦母（JM）:You are back?Why?What happened? 刘兰芝(Luch):I was kicked out by my most beautiful graceful and dearest mother–in-law.焦母（JM）(惊讶,但随即露出幸灾乐祸的神情):See!I have already told you!When you insisted on marrying that terrible Johnny,I told you that he is ugly stupid and poor,but you did not listen to me.Look at yourself…… 刘兰芝(Luch):But,mum…… 焦母（JM）:Never interrupt me!刘兰芝(Luch):Mum,I’m not interrupting you.I just want to tell you that you are always right OK?And I’ll marry whom ever you want me to.刘母Lunch’smother(大喜):Nice girl!Justnow,I met the mayor’s son in the market.Hesaid:“If your daughter Haven’t been married,I really really want to marry her!”Now you are free again,I’ll go and tell him.(下)刘兰芝(Luch):What?The mayor’s son?The most famous play boy in the neighbor-hood?(手中的锅 铲掉在地上)What as illy thing I have done!(下)
Act3(焦仲卿Johnny睡眼惺忪上)焦仲卿Johnny(边走边道):Lunch!Lunch!Where are my socks?(走了几步,在地上捡起袜子)Here they are!(闻一下)Er!Howsmelly!They are still dirty!(突然想起)Lunch has gone!I have to wash them myself.(他的肚子似乎咕咕叫了起来)Oh,I’m so hungry!But there’s no breakfast!(捡起地上的围 裙)This is what Lunch always wears!I miss her so much,and her excellent cooking skill!Now she has gone.I have to cook for my mother and myself.焦母（JM）:Where’s my breakfast?Where’sLunch?Hasn’t she got up yet? 焦仲卿Johnny:Mum,can’t you remember?Lunch has gone!焦母（JM）(沉吟片刻):Well,to tell you the truth Johnny,a son without a wifeisuseless.Lunch is an ice girl,go and take her back!焦仲卿Johnny(立正敬礼):Yes madam!Act4(焦仲卿Johnny开心地走着，忽然跳出来三个强盗)A:Hey you!Stop and listen to us!The road is built by me!(抬脚重重地踩在一块大石头上)B:And I planted one tree!(亦抬脚踩在同一块石头上)C:If you want to go by this street---(欲踩石头，但踩到了A的脚)AB&C:Give us all your money!焦仲卿Johnny(搜遍了每一个口袋，掏出1角硬币):Is1 mao enough?(三强盗晕倒状，接着三人聚在一边商量)A:What bad luck!This guy is broken!B:If we can notrobany money today,we will have nothing to eat tonight!C:I heard that the mayor’s son is going to marry Miss Liu Lanzhi next month.WE can go and rob the wedding!A&B:Good idea!焦仲卿Johnny(惊讶):What?What?Lunch is going to get married?It’s impossible!AB&C:Why?A pretty girl and a rich man,what a good couple!焦仲卿Johnny:But Lunch is my wife!We haven’t got porced yet!(突然有了主意)I’ve got an idea!You are going to rob the wedding,don’tyou?I’ll go with you.You take the money and I take the bride.B:Have you got any experience? 焦仲卿Johnny:No.But I’ve got this!(J脱下鞋子从里面摸出一张支票，上书＄1，000，000)Act5(转眼已到了婚礼之期．太守之子意气风发用红绸牵着新娘上，刘兰芝Luch盖着红盖头极不情愿地被拉上台)(焦仲卿Johnny和三强盗跃至台中)ABC&焦仲卿Johnny:Heyyou!Stop and listen to us!A:The road is built by me!B:And I planted one tree.C:If you want to go by this street---焦仲卿Johnny:Give us all your money!刘兰芝(Luch)听到焦仲卿Johnny的声音，掀起了盖头)刘兰芝(Luch)(惊喜万分):Johnny!(不顾一切地飞奔到焦仲卿Johnny的身边并躲到了的身后)(太守之子大怒，挥拳向焦仲卿Johnn打来．焦仲卿Johnny矮身一躲，太守之子打中了焦仲卿Johnny身后的刘兰芝(Luch)，刘兰芝(Luch)晕倒)焦仲卿Johnny(火冒三丈):How dare you beat my wife!（挥拳向太守之子冲去）
(焦仲卿Johnny与太守之子混战，焦母上，以拐杖击晕太守之子)(焦仲卿Johnn将太守之子胸前的新郎标志扯下戴在自己胸前)焦仲卿Johnny(扶起刘兰芝(Luch)，关切地问):Honey,how are you? 刘兰芝(Luch)(哭状):I hurt a lot!焦仲卿Johnny:Don’t cry baby.I’ll go and fetch the medicine.(下)刘兰芝(Luch)(起身去追):Wait for me!(跑下)
第五篇：孔雀东南飞--英语搞笑短剧剧本
焦仲卿johnny(j for short)刘兰芝lunch(l for short)焦母johnny’s mother(jm for short)刘母lunch’s mother(lm for short)太守之子mayor’s son(ms for short)强盗burglars(a b and c)prologue 序幕
(j作被打状跑上台,内砸出一卷纸筒,j被打中,狼狈不堪)j:everybody says that i’m hen pecked, but in fact,i’m a strong tiger,(小声)while my wife is wusong.译：人人都说我怕老婆，实际上我是老虎，（小声）我妻子是武松。(指着上台处的门大声道)i’m not afraid of you!译：我才不怕你呢！
(内砸出一脸盆,j接住当成盾牌护着头)then, i’m afraid of whom!my wife lunchi is the most famous woman in the neighborhood.she is braver than me, smarter than me and stronger than me.all this i do not care.i only want her to be tenderer than me.but she is not!having a wife like this is just like living in the hell!译：谁怕谁啊！在邻里中，我妻子是最有名气的。她比我勇敢、比我聪明、比我强壮。我也不在乎这些。我只觉得她该对我温柔些，但是她却不懂温柔！有这样的太太就像活在地狱中啊！(内又砸出一卷纸筒,击中j)my god!who can help me?(下)译：我的天！谁来救救我啊？ act1 第一幕
(序幕结束时,jm作窃听状)jm(拄拐棍上):i can!(对门内)lunch!lunch!where are you? l(扎着围裙,拿着锅铲,从门内跳出来):i’m here!what’s up，mum? jm:i have told you again and again that you should call me “my most beautiful graceful and dearest mother-in-law”.l:ok.my most beautiful graceful and dearest mother-in-law, what’s up?
jm:since you married my son you have behaved so badly.you have been so rude, so brusque,so lazy…… l:but……
jm:never interrupt me!l:never interrupt me!since i married your son, that terrible johnny, i have been working hard all day long, cooking and washing.i have raised tens of thousands of pigs and ducks and chicken and……
jm: but all those you have done are not as valuable as a grandson!l(生气地挥动着锅铲):oh, you want a grandson, don’t you?(开始解围裙)go and ask your son.i’m leaving!(扯下围裙,扔在jm的脸上,下)act2(lm坐在台上打毛线,l拿着锅铲上)l: mum, i’m back!
lm: you are back?why? what happened? l:i was kicked out by my most beautiful graceful and dearest mother–in-law.lm(惊讶,但随即露出幸灾乐祸的神情):see!i have already told you!when you insisted on marrying that terrible johnny, i told you that he is ugly, stupid and poor, but you did not listen to me.look at yourself…… l: but, mum…… lm: never interrupt me!l: mum, i’m not interrupting you.i just want to tell you that you are always right ok? And i’ll marry whomever you want me to.lm(大喜): nice girl!just now, i met the mayor’s son in the market.he said, “if your daughter haven’t been married, i really really want to marry her!” now you are free again, i ’ll go and tell him.(下)l(惊愕): what? the mayor’s son? the most famous playboy in the neighborhood?(手中的锅铲掉在地上)what a silly thing i have done!(下)act3(j睡眼惺忪上)j(边走边道): lunch!lunch!where are my socks?(走了几步,在地上捡起袜子)here they are!(闻一下)er!how smelly!they are still dirty!(突然想起)lunch has gone!i have to wash them myself.(他的肚子似乎咕咕叫了起来)oh, i’m so hungry!but there’s no breakfast!(捡起地上的围裙)this is what lunch always wears!i miss her so much, and her excellent cooking skill!Now she has gone.i have to cook for my mother and myself.jm(上): where’s my breakfast? where’s lunch? hasn’t she got up yet? j: mum, can’t you remember? lunch has gone!jm(沉吟片刻): well, to tell you the truth johnny, a son without a wife is useless.lunch is a nice girl, go and take her back!j(立正敬礼): yes madam!act4(j开心地走着，忽然跳出来三个强盗)a: hey you!stop and listen to us!the road is built by me!(抬脚重重地踩在一块大石头上)b: and i planted one tree!(亦抬脚踩在同一块石头上)c: if you want to go by this street---(欲踩石头，但踩到了a的脚)ab&c: give us all your money!j(搜遍了每一个口袋，掏出1角硬币):is 1mao enough?(三强盗晕倒状，接着三人聚在一边商量)a: what bad luck!this guy is broken!b: if we cannot rob any money today, we will have nothing to eat tonight!c: i heard that the mayor’s son is going to marry miss liu lanzhi next month.we can go and rob the wedding!a&b: good idea!j(惊讶): what? what? lunch is going to get married? it’s impossible!ab&c: why? a pretty girl and a rich man, what a good couple!j: but lunch is my wife!we haven’t got porced yet!(突然有了主意)i’ve got an idea!you are going to rob the wedding, don’t you? i’ll go with you.you take the money and i take the bride.b: have you got any experience? j: no.but i’ve got this!(j脱下鞋子从里面摸出一张支票，上书＄1，000，000)act5(转眼已到了婚礼之期．ms意气风发用红绸牵着新娘上，j盖着红盖头极不情愿地被拉上台)(j和三强盗跃至台中)abc&j: hey you!stop and listen to us!a: the road is built by me!b: and i planted one tree.c: if you want to go by this street---j: give us all your money!(l听到j的声音，掀起了盖头)l(惊喜万分): johnny!(不顾一切地飞奔到j的身边并躲到了的身后)(ms大怒，挥拳向j打来．j矮身一躲，ms打中了j身后的l，l晕倒)j(火冒三丈): how dare you beat my wife!（挥拳向ms冲去）(j与ms混战，jm上，以拐杖击晕ms)(j将ms胸前的新郎标志扯下戴在自己胸前)j(扶起l，关切地问):honey, how are you? l(哭状): i hurt a lot!j: don’t cry baby.i’ll go and fetch the medicine.(下)l(起身去追):wait for me!(跑下)
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